Master Of The House Lyrics - Alain Boublil

DRINKER THREE 

Come on you old pest 

DRINKER TWO 

Fetch a bottle of your best 

DRINKER ONE 

What's the nectar of the day? 

(Thenardier enters with a flask of wine) 

THENARDIER 

Here, try this lot 

Guaranteed to hit the spot 

Or I'm not Thenardier 

DRINKERS 

Gissa glass a rum 

Landlord, over here! 

THENARDIER 

Right away, you scum (to himself) 

Right away, m'sieur (to customer) 

DINER ONE 

God this place has gone to hell 

DINER TWO 

So you tell me every year 

DRINKER SIX 

Mine host Thenardier 

He was there so they say, 

At the field of Waterloo 

DRINKER SEVEN 

Got there, it's true 

When the fight was all through 

DRINKER ONE 

But he knew just what to do 

Crawling through the mud 

So I've heard it said 

Picking through the pockets 

Of the English dead 

DRINKER EIGHT 

He made a tidy score 

From the spoils of war 

THENARDIER 

My band of soaks 

My den of dissolutes 

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts. 

My sons of whores 

Spent their lives in my inn 

Homing pigeons homing in 

They fly through my doors 

And their money's as good as yours 

DINER ONE 

Ain't got a clue 

What he put in this stew 

Must have scraped it off the street 

DINER TWO 

God what a wine! 

Chateau Neuf de Turpentine 

Must have pressed it with his feet 

DRINKERS 

Landlord over here! 

Where's the bloody man? 

One more for the road! 

Thenardier, one more slug o' gin. 

GIRL 

Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in. 

(Thenardier greets a new customer) 

THENARDIER 

Welcome, M'sieur 

Sit yourself down 

And meet the best 

Innkeeper in town 

As for the rest, 

All of 'em crooks 

Rooking their guests 

And cooking the books. 

Seldom do you see 

Honest men like me 

A gent of good intent 

Who's content to be 

Master of the house 

Doling out the charm 

Ready with a handshake 

And an open palm 

Tells a saucy tale 

Makes a little stir 

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur 

Glad to do a friend a favor 

Doesn't cost me to be nice 

But nothing gets you nothing 

Everything has got a little price! 

Master of the house 

Keeper of the zoo 

Ready to relieve 'em 

Of a sou or two 

Watering the wine 

Making up the weight 

Pickin' up their knick-knacks 

When they can't see straight 

Everybody loves a landlord 

Everybody's bosom friend 

I do whatever pleases 

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end! 

THENARDIER & CHORUS 

Master of the house 

Quick to catch yer eye 

Never wants a passerby 

To pass him by 

Servant to the poor 

Butler to the great 

Comforter, philosopher, 

And lifelong mate! 

Everybody's boon companion 

Everybody's chaperone 

THENARDIER 

But lock up your valises 

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone! 

(To another new customer) 

THENARDIER 

Enter M'sieur 

Lay down your load 

Unlace your boots 

And rest from the road 

(Taking his bag) 

This weighs a ton 

Travel's a curse 

But here we strive 

To lighten your purse 

Here the goose is cooked 

Here the fat is fried 

And nothing's overlooked 

Till I'm satisfied... 

Food beyond compare 

Food beyond belief 

Mix it in a mincer 

And pretend it's beef 

Kidney of a horse 

Liver of a cat 

Filling up the sausages 

With this and that 

Residents are more than welcome 

Bridal suite is occupied 

Reasonable charges 

Plus some little extras on the side! 

Charge 'em for the lice 

Extra for the mice 

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice 

Here a little slice 

There a little cut 

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut 

When it comes to fixing prices 

There are a lot of tricks he knows 

How it all increases 

All those bits and pieces 

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows! 

THENARDIER AND CHORUS 

Master of the house 

Quick to catch yer eye 

Never wants a passerby 

To pass him by 

Servant to the poor 

Butler to the great 

Comforter, philosopher, 

And lifelong mate! 

Everybody's boon companion 

Gives 'em everything he's got 

THENARDIER 

Dirty bunch of geezers 

Jesus! What a sorry little lot! 

MME. THENARDIER 

I used to dream 

That I would meet a prince 

But God Almighty, 

Have you seen what's happened since? 

`Master of the house?' 

Isn't worth me spit! 

`Comforter, philosopher' 

- and lifelong shit! 

Cunning little brain 

Regular Voltaire 

Thinks he's quite a lover 

But there's not much there 

What a cruel trick of nature 

Landed me with such a louse 

God knows how I've lasted 

Living with this bastard in the house! 

THENARDIER & CHORUS 

Master of the house. 

MME. THENARDIER 

Master and a half! 

THENARDIER & CHORUS 

Comforter, philosopher 

MME. THENARDIER 

Ah, don't make me laugh! 

THENARDIER & CHORUS 

Servant to the poor. Butler to the great. 

MME. THENARDIER 

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate! 

THENARDIER & CHORUS 

Everybody bless the landlord! 

Everybody bless his spouse! 

THENARDIER 

Everybody raise a glass 

MME. THENARDIER 

Raise it up the master's arse. 

ALL 

Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!