You Need An Analyst Lyrics - Allan Sherman

If you're always stealing goodies from a big department store 

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst 

If your pocket's full of little things you've never owned before 

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst 

If somebody says, "Good Morning" and politely tips his hat 

And you frown and say, "I wonder what he really meant by that" 

If you're walking down the sidewalk and you won't step on a crack 

You're afraid if you step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back 

If you're at the philharmonic and you start to do the twist 

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst 

You need an analyst, you need an analyst 

We really must insist that you see an analyst 

If you're freezing or you're sweating from imaginary ills 

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst 

If it takes an IBM machine to classify your pills 

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst 

If you tiptoe into bed and you're as quiet as a mouse 

But the bed you tiptoe into is in someone else's house 

If you have a brand new raincoat and of it you're very fond 

In fact, you'd rather be alone with it than with a blond 

If you wear your wristwatch on your feet and stockings on your wrist 

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst 

You need an analyst, you need an analyst 

We really must insist that you see an analyst 

If you're always tearing paper into teeny weeny bits 

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst 

If you've got a secret closet full of pomegranate pits 

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst 

If they ask you what your name is and you answer Bonaparte 

If you dig those daffy doodles that are known as modern art 

If you're walking down the street and then you stop to tie your shoes 

And you tie them to each other as you hum Saint Louis blues 

Or if you're forty-six years old and never have been kissed 

Go kiss an analyst, a psychoanalyst 

Go kiss an analyst, go kiss an analyst 

We really must insist that you kiss an analyst 

If you're always having arguments when no one else is there 

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst 

And whenever you are angry, if you kick your teddy bear 

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst 

If you dream you've got a purple dragon next to you in bed 

And you wake up and your dragon isn't purple, it is red 

If you eat those little prizes and you save the crackerjacks 

If you really think they're ever gonna cut the income tax 

You need an analyst 

You need, I need 

He needs, we need 

Everybody needs an analyst