Four Lyrics - Happy Thoughts - Daniel Tosh

And sports needs steroids. It does are you kidding me, oh 

baseball certainly, baseball is a strike away from being 

soccer. And if you like soccer, well, welcome to America. 

See our country already has entertainment, so watching 

people chase a ball around for four hours to end zero- 

zero isn't enjoyably unless of course the bleachers 

collapse and half of Europe dies. Or you're watching that 

girl from the University New Mexico. She seems pretty 

competitive. Remember her? She was yanking chicks 

down by the hair, kicking chicks in the pussy. I can only 

assume that her father was in a bunch of gambling debt 

and everything was riding on that game. And she's out 

there, "I'm doing this for you pa," or she really hates 

Mormons, one or the other. Pretty sure they were playing 

BYU. 

Ah, Baseball. Nobody wants to watch a pitching battle 

either, lets hit the ball deep. Don't worry about your 

records either, for every superstar that has done steroids, 

a billion double a boys have juiced up, so the playing field 

is plenty even. Well put an asterisk next to Barry bonds 

name sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's 

name: getting to break record before black people were 

allowed to play. Excuse me, where is that asterisks? Why 

don't people talk about that? I'd love to know how many 

homers the babe would've hit had CC be throwing 92 mile 

an hour sliders. Maybe, the fat boy would've put the cigar 

down and quit pointing had José been allowed to swim 90 

miles to throw him a junk ball. Don't worry if you don't 

follow: 90 miles is the distance from Key West to Cuba, 

José is a stereotypical name for a Latino ball player, and 

a junk ball is an impossible pitch to hit yard any place 

except for the new Yankee stadium, which is a joke. 

The point is the record books might look a little different 

had our country not founded by racists, that's all. And I 

love that in 2010 you're still not allowed to shit on the 

founding fathers. Why not? Screw them. They're a bunch 

of racist fucking pigs with a handful of good ideas. I just 

hope that when they were signing the declaration of 

independence, they shot each other a glance, "all men 

are created equal, you know what we mean. Now get me 

some hot coffee boy." 

At least we not women, right fellas? Jeez. What is that 

like, is it horrible, is it awful, to know you're number 2? By 

the way, these aren't my beliefs; it's my observations on 

the world I live in. If it changes, I'll adjust the material 

accordingly. I like when you try to rationalize it, "No it's 

great being a women, free drinks is worth not having 

equality." Listen, you're in great country to be number 

two, because at least in America its close, right, men are 

here women are here. Some countries it's like this, and 

house cat is right there. That is a bad country to be a 

woman in. Don't' get lost in a hike there, you'll end up on 

YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption 

for that. 

I do think we could be a little less PC when it comes to 

sports though. Just once, I want to hear an announcer go, 

"god black people are fast. Holy cow, All of them, they're 

fast. Back to you Bob." Why don't we say that, we're all 

the same species, got it. If I'm at a horse track and I see 

them cramming Clydesdale in gate 3, uh, I'm not going to 

put my money on it, gonna bet on the thoroughbred, 

preferably one from Jamaica, they've got wheels. 

I don't like Stuart Scott on sports center. If you don't who 

he is, he's a black gentleman that graduated from UNC 

with almost perfect grades. He feels the need to talk hip 

hop for absolutely no reason at all. While he's calling 

plays he'll be like boo-yah. Easy Stuart. First of all, I have 

more street cred than you. Second of all, I have HD 

television and you have one eye. Yeah, it's grossing me 

out. It's eight in the morning, I'm eating egos, I don't want 

to see Cyclops struggling with the teleprompter. Boo-yah. 

Take that to the UK where they embrace ugly people on 

television, not here in America you circus freak. Yeah, 

next time you want to catch passes on the side line, use 

your hands don't let it come to the body, you learn that in 

Pop Warner. I'm aware that I could end the joke at the 

good part, I choose not to.