Smoke Lyrics - No Cure For Cancer - Dennis Leary

I love to smoke, I smoke seven thousand packs a day, okay? 

And I am never fucking quitting I don't care how many laws they make 

What's the law now? You can only smoke in your apartment 

Under a blanket, with all the lights out? Is that the rule now, huh? 

The cops are outside, "We know you have the cigarettes 

Come out of the house with the cigarettes above your head" 

"You'll never get me copper! I'm never coming out, you hear? 

I got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom, yeah! Say yeah!" 

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies 

So I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time 

I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all the way around my neck 

I'll be tracheotomie man! 

"He can smoke a pack at a time! He's tracheotomie man! 

I'm looking forward to cancer, man, I want that throat cancer 

That's the best kind, you know why? 

You get that throat cancer, you get that voice box thing 

Know what I'm talking about? 

Sure it's scary, but you can make a lot of money with a voice box 

Get a voice box, walking around the streets of Manhattan 

"You got any spare change?" 

"Ahh! Here's my whole wallet, get away from me!" 

Imagine a whole family with voice boxes, that'd be creepy, wouldn't it? 

They'd be out in that backyard everyday during the summer 

"Dad, can we go to the beach?", "Yes, get your mother and the dog" 

"We'll leave right now, Sparky, come here" 

Or the ultimate irony, a guy with a voice box pulling up to the drive 

Through window at Mcdonald's, that has to suck, huh? 

"Can I help you?", "Big Mac and a large order of fries" 

"Stop making fun of me", "I'm not making fun of you" 

"I'm getting the manager", "Get the fucking manager, I don't care" 

I can remember a time in this country 

When men were proud to get cancer, God dammit! 

When it was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice 

Second time, they took out one of his lungs, he said, "Take 'em both! 

'Cuz I don't fuckin' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!" 

Babe Ruth, greatest baseball player to ever play the game 

He had a voice box, he was the first American to have a voice box 

Yeah!, "This is Babe Ruth 

The Sultan of Swat, the Bambino" 

I smoke twenty-five goddamn Black Cuban cigars a day 

I had meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 

I fucked eighteen prostitutes a night! 

'Course, I'm dead now 

I'm up here in Heaven, Lou Gehrig is up Here with me 

God love Lou Gehrig, Jesus Christ, poor Lou Gehrig 

Died of Lou Gehrig's disease 

How the Hell did he not see that coming? 

We used to tell him, Lou, there's a disease 

With your name all over it, pal! 

There ain't no Babe Ruth disease, I'll tell you that much right now 

Have a hot dog and a Hummer, go ahead, it's on me" 

I don't know, personally, I think Billy Martin said it best when he said 

"Hey! I can drive!", because we tried to be nice to you non-smokers 

We fucking tried, okay? 

You wanted your own sections in the restaurants, we gave you that 

But that wasn't enough for you, then you wanted the airplanes 

We gave you the whole God damn plane! You happy now? 

You own the fucking plane! I'd like an explanation about that one folks 

Because I will guarantee you if the plane is going down 

The first announcement you're gonna hear is 

"Folks, this is your Captain speaking, look, uhm, light 'em up 

'Cause we're going down, okay, I got a carton of Camels non-filters 

I'll see you on the ground, take it easy" 

Actually, it'd be more like this, "This is your Captain speaking" 

"Smoke 'em if ya got 'em" 

The filters the best part, that's where they put the heroine 

Only us real good smokers know that fucking secret 

Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers 

But you just fucking badger us, you know? You won't leave us alone 

You got all your little speeches you're always giving to us 

All these little facts that you dig out of a newspaper or pamphlet 

And you store that little nugget in your little fucking head 

And we light up and you spew 'em out at us, don't ya? 

I love these little facts, these little facts 

"Well you know, smoking takes ten years off your life" 

Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? 

It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, dialysis fucking years 

You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright!? 

And I guarantee if I'm still alive then I'll be smoking then 

I'll be in my wheelchair, with my adult diapers on 

And my twenty-five year old non-smoking born again 

Christian son behind me 

I'll be going, "Hey! Make sure you wipe this time 

I was itching all week for Christ's sake! 

And get me some more wippets 

I'm almost out, you fucking pussy! Come on!" 

Because you're always telling us 

"You know, if you quit smoking now 

Every cigarette takes three minutes off your life 

If you quit now you can live an extra ten years 

If you quit now, you can live an extra twenty years" 

Hey, I got two words for you, okay, Jim Fix, remember Jim Fix? 

The big famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day 

Did a jogging book, did a jogging video 

And dropped out of a heart attack when? 

When he was fucking jogging, that's when! 

What do you wanna bet it was two smokers 

Who found the body the next morning and went 

"Hey! That's Jim Fix, isn't it?" "Wow, what a fucking tragedy 

Come on, lets go buy some buds" 

It's always the yogurt sprout eating mother fuckers 

Who get run over by a bus drive by a guy 

Who smokes three and a half packs a day 

"Sorry officer, I didn't see him, I was too busy smoking!"