(the Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs Lyrics - Original Broadway Cast

Well, I brought my own '45s 

So if you put 'em on 

I'll show you my stuff 

Haven't you already shown us enough? 

Oh, my god, how times have changed 

This girl's either blind or completely deranged 

Ah, but time seemed to halt 

When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs 

Childhood dreams for me were cracked 

When that damn Shirley Temple, stole my freakin' act 

But the crown's in the vault 

From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs 

Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges 

They padded their cups but I screwed the judges 

Those broads thought they'd win if a plate they would spin 

In their dance, not a chance 

'Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze 

While belting high C's and preparing souffles 

With that triple somersault 

Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs 

Proceed, are you scared we're on live? 

No, I'm sure I can cope 

Well, this show isn't broadcast 

In Cinemascope 

I never drank one chocolate malt 

No, no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs 

How many sweaters do you own? 

Well, I'm sure, I've got plenty 

Let me see, I have three, five 

No, wait, I have twenty 

I would say Oy gevalt' 

If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs 

A tycoon I wed so cuddly and funny 

The old fart dropped dead but left tons of money 

So I bought this station so all of the nation could see 

Baby amber and me 

Do you dance like you dress? 

Amber, there's no need to be cruel 

Would you swim in an integrated pool? 

I sure would, I'm all for integration it's the new frontier 

Not in Baltimore it isn't and may I be frank? 

First impressions can be tough 

And when I saw you, I knew it 

If your size weren't enough 

Your last answer just blew it 

And so, my dear, so short and stout 

You'll never be in so we're kicking you out 

You can't get past me kid but it isn't your fault 

It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs 

You may go, thank you? Gee Tracy, that went well 

Hello, may I please audition? 

No, but you can bow and exalt 

'Cos I am Miss Baltimore Crabs