Heaven, Or Whatever Lyrics - Shane Koyczan

"You can't just do whatever" 

The words stumbled out of you 

Like a drunk leaving a bar looking for a fresh new last call 

You were not a man of words 

But did your best to offer advice 

You offered me "You can't just do whatever" 

And I know what you meant 

You meant that whatever I choose to do, I must not be aimless 

I must not simply spin this globe and go wherever I stick my finger 

Because 71% of the time I will end up in the ocean 

And if I do end up in the ocean I can't just do whatever, 

Better learn to swim 

"You can't just do whatever" 

The conversation came after you asked me about heaven 

Told me that you thought heaven would be specific to each person 

And that each person would have their own version of it 

Then asked me what mine would be 

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I was so scared to tell you, 

"I don't have one" 

But you nodded your head, 

as if confirming a suspicion that school 

had robbed me of a belief in some stories 

You said "you don't have to beleive what I believe, its enough to be good. 

Be good" 

I will. 

I will think about your heaven 

Your heaven would be the same haircut, forever 

It would be a stick a dog and some distance 

A lawn that always needs mowing 

A six-pack of pills in those short bottles and your real teeth back 

Because your dentures could never master that bottle opening trick you loved to do 

The first time you tried it with dentures I had nightmares for a month 

Because I though your mouth had fallen off 

Your heaven, would be Austria before the war 

And Canada after you met grandma 

It would be head cheese sandwiches and blood sausages 

Other deli meats that would ensure you would never ever have to entertain dinner guests 

And I would never be in danger of having my lunch stolen 

Your heaven, 

would be a stash of raisins 

Problems that you could fix with your hands 

I remember you tried to fix everything with your hands 

I remember the difficult days 

I remember the bandages 

They looked like tiny blankets, as if your knuckles had all gone off to bed 

Walls that looked like they'd said something to get under your skin 

And where suddenly made to pay for it 

I know you were an angry man 

Finger tips like spent shotgun shells, bleeding smoke cocktails of gunpowder and singed plastic 

You had what some people would call, "a temper" 

But you loved a good joke, 

even if it was on you 

Something that would crack open the walls of your chest and let the wind tickle your heart 

Just enough to let you know it was still there 

You didn't always laugh, didn't always smile 

You did keep a mental ledger of what you called your "send flowers list" 

I remember thinking it was a thank you to those who got you good 

But learned the truth after my grandmother added a thin layer of sand to your sandwiches 

Because you refused to make your own lunch for work 

You told me about it when you picked me up from school that day 

You said "Grandma just made the send flowers list" 

And I asked "Because you love her so much?" 

And you said "Because I'm gonna kill her" 

Of course you didn't 

Your version of kill meant two months before winter, 

Having a seamstress take in each of her coats a few inches 

So on the first day she need one 

She fumbled with the sudden tightness 

And you stood there smiling then said "Honey, I love you no matter how big you get" 

She did not laugh 

And managed to staple your smile back into a straight face 

When she told all of your friends at work that you had to move into the spare room 

Because you couldn't stop farting at night 

You often asked me "If I had a heaven, what would it be like?" 

And I told you that for such a small word, if, is just too big to wrap my belief around 

I would not bend to the hypothetical 

But wish now that I would've 

Even if it was just to ease your mind in the belief 

That I could be headed to that other place you believed in 

I would tell you now how my heaven is here 

It was here, in the gentle warfare of your relationship with Grandma 

Where volleys were traded back and forth 

Like hockey cards between children who didn't care what the stats meant 

My heaven would have been someone in grade five finally willing to trade me their fruit roll up 

For my tin of sardines 

My hell was wondering "why?" Why would you give me sardines for lunch 

My heaven would make you laugh 

Cause I get the feeling you didn't get to do that very much 

Through my hell, through the night terrors and bloody noses 

Through the eyes black, bruised back, sneak attack, nap sack and winter coat hijacks 

You did your best to seal up the cracks in my armour and made my heaven here 

I would have loved to have made you laugh more 

To make your send flowers list just once 

So I offer you now my if 

If there is a heaven 

Mine would have a post office 

And I could send letters to yours 

The first letter would read 

"Hell's not so bad, they pretty much let you do whatever" 

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