Certified Lyrics - Singles - Mc Lars Horris

I spot an active drowning victim from a mile away 

I save old men in seas like Hemingway 

The swimming pool not taken? Watch out for frost 

Dont get busted like Milton or paradise will be lost 

Its like that, and thats the way it is 

Dont Run DMC, walk like the other kids 

And if you get in trouble, I use a contact dive 

I extend my rescue tube to keep you alive 

If youre submerged, Ill dive feet first 

And bring you to a backboard, never to a hearse 

Because DOA victims are for amateurs 

I do it my safe way, you do it yours 

Like Raleys or Luckys or Albertsons 

Did the victim hurt his neck? Im going in 

I support your chin, airway and spine 

With my head splint technique everything is fine 

My E A P is C P R after those rescue breaths 

Then Ill check your airway for respiratory arrest 

Then its sweep, ventilation and abdominal thrusts 

I get the pool toy out I can, will and must 

Prepared for emergencies Ive got my life together 

And understand my job keeps you alive like Eddie Vedder 

If youre a stressed-out mom who keeps her children fettered 

Your kids are safe today, see, no lifeguard is better 

Ten times as reliable mature and fitter 

Than your average lifeguard as a water babysitter 

Betsy Weeks trained me well at Roble Gym 

And Im slamming into swim safety, not a Slim Jim 

Lifeguarding at the pool, lake or the sea 

I keep both eyes on your progeny 

The Red Cross has got my back like 1 2 3 

Because Im certified 

And when I act its with informed consent 

If you wont cooperate, I circumvent 

And call the cops, best recognize 

Its not wise to distract me as I scrutinize 

The pool, its called scanning, best take a hint 

And shut your mouth, you dont matter, like lint 

Larry Flint might argue that your voice means nothing 

But I be like Bush and say for safety it means nothing 

Im disciplined and talented at what I do 

And hope to say the same for my lifeguard crew 

Because unlike the Insane Clown Posse 

We practice our skills repeatedly 

And dont cash in on tentative integrity 

Or fire dope producers for more money 

Wait, what, where was I? 

I guess I got side-tracked 

Dissing Detroit high school drop-outs 

With new albums that are whack 

Back on track, heres the point, Im safe, like what? 

Making sure the chemical room doors always shut 

See that gardeners dirty trowel? Well, I dont 

Im too busy making sure your kids stay afloat 

And see that dude who kind of looks like Shrek 

But imported like badly dubbed French Star Trek? 

Nope, I double check the bubble trek from your kids lungs 

The shovel speck or smuggled Shrek 

Distract no one like me, I dont notice, no, just your kids 

But did I see that kid run? Oh yes, I did 

Peripherally, so Im a lay the smack down 

And turn their smiles into one collective frown 

Hey kids, stop running, you know the rule 

Yes Im a tool from lifeguard school 

But safety is cool here at the pool 

And trust me on the sunscreen, dont be a fool 

Lifeguarding at the pool, lake or the sea 

I keep both eyes on your progeny 

The Red Cross has got my back like 1 2 3 

Because Im certified